Rock and Smoky.the.Elf
26 December 1997

   The strangest thing happened to me this morning.  I was in the Rock Talk chat room, just hanging out.  It was kind of quiet.  But then I was joined by Smoky.the.Elf.  I cannot attest that he was or was not an elf, or, even if he is an elf, that he really works for Santa.  We had a very interesting conversation, and fortunately I remembered to copy the text and save it to a file.

   This is an edited version of that file, basically to make the text more HTML friendly.  Whether you believe it or not, I don't care.  I am glad I have the opportunity to record it for the sake of history.


<Rock>
Hi, Smoky.the.Elf!
<Smoky.the.Elf>
Hi, Cary.  How are you doing?
 
[ ... pause ... ]
<Rock>
?? my name is Rock.  I'm doing ok.  Just hanging out.  You?
<Smoky.the.Elf>
Fine, pretty good, actually.  Things have calmed down here a lot.  Until next October it's easy living.
<Smoky.the.Elf>
and, Cary, cut the crap.  Your name is Cary.  It says so in the META Author field.
 
[ ... long pause ... ]
<Rock>
Hey, what the hell are you talking about?  This is a chat room, not a web page.
<Smoky.the.Elf>
It's a chat room right now, for you and I.  But for everyone else, it is going to be a web page.  Cary.
<Smoky.the.Elf>
and for God's sake get some pants on.  It's 11:30 in the morning.  Do you not have a life?
<Rock>
Look, I don't know who you are or how you know or think you know what I am or am not wearing.  What difference does it make anyway?  I don't have to work today.
<Smoky.the.Elf>
get a clue, dude.  I'm an elf.  Specifically I'm one of "Santa's Elves".  You know the song:
<Smoky.the.Elf>
He knows when you've been sleeping.
<Smoky.the.Elf>
He knows when you're awake.
<Smoky.the.Elf>
He knows when you've been bad or good.
<Smoky.the.Elf>
So be good for goodness sake!


Santa Claus is Coming to Town
by Jackie and the Cedrics
<Smoky.the.Elf>
Well, I used to be in charge of that department.
<Rock>
:-) oooohhkaaaay, you're an elf.  And you want to start the conversation with an anachronism concerning my name.
<Smoky.the.Elf>
You catch on quick for Man Flesh.
<Rock>
that's what all the guys say :-)
<Smoky.the.Elf>
oh, do not even start.  flirting with an elf.  You know what happened to the last human who tried to make it with an elf?  We brought him up here, gave him a red suit, and only let him leave once a year.
<Rock>
You mean Santa Claus?!?
<Smoky.the.Elf>
we call him Nick.
<Rock>
so you are saying he is being punished??
<Smoky.the.Elf>
Not really.  He can leave any time he wants.  It was kind of a one-year gag that just keeps going on.  And, besides, he likes it here; he likes being "Santa Claus".
<Smoky.the.Elf>
and if he rejoins you-all, he will start aging again.
<Rock>
Oh, so you are saying Santa Claus is something like an old Peter Pan?
<Smoky.the.Elf>
hell no!  Peter is a lot sexier.  nothing like Robin Williams.  more like a teen mixture of Lukas Ridgeston and Johan Paulik.
Lukas Ridgeston + Johan Paulik
<Smoky.the.Elf>
Nick is not bad looking.  If he could control his weight, begin working out a bit, and start shaving again...
<Rock>
I hear you.  Can't get past that picture you put in my mind about Peter Pan, though.
<Smoky.the.Elf>
I can tell.  This is almost embarrassing.  Your briefs don't hide much -- get some pants on, ok?  I'll call you Rock if you put on your Levi's.
<Rock>
ok, ok.  just a sec...
<Rock>
There, is that better?
<Smoky.the.Elf>
Yes, Rock. much better.  Thank you.
<Smoky.the.Elf>
cute butt
<Rock>
!! thanks !!  Too bad I can't see you.
<Smoky.the.Elf>
Yes, it is.
<Rock>
Hey, I have some questions...
<Smoky.the.Elf>
I know; that is why I stopped by.
<Rock>
Cool!  Ummm, how come I never see any pictures of girl elves?
<Smoky.the.Elf>
You just haven't looked at the right pictures.
<Smoky.the.Elf>
No, that is not fair.  There are about three guy elves for every girl elf.
<Rock>
Why is that?
<Smoky.the.Elf>
Hell if I know.
<Rock>
Are elves as horny as humans?
<Smoky.the.Elf>
<smile> What do you think we are doing between early January and late October?
<Rock>
...so that's a yes...
<Smoky.the.Elf>
...that's a very yes!  probably hornier, but just like humans, it varies from elf to elf.
<Rock>
you mean the amount of horniness?
<Smoky.the.Elf>
What the hell are we talking about, Rock?!  Yes, horniness.  Why are you trying to dumb this down, like an NPR interview or something?
<Rock>
sorry, just wanted to be sure.  So, if elves are really horny, and 75% of all elves are guys, then are most elves gay?
<Smoky.the.Elf>
All elves are gay.  Male and female.  We do have heterosexual sex once in a while.  It is kind of a duty, to continue the species.
<Rock>
When was the last time you made it with a chick?  girl-elf?  whatever.
<Smoky.the.Elf>
<smile> They do not like to be called elfettes any more.  "Female elf" is the politically correct term, currently.  About 200 years ago.
<Rock>
That's a long time ago!
<Smoky.the.Elf>
We live a long time.
<Rock>
How long?
<Smoky.the.Elf>
I do not really know.  Except for stupid accidents and a couple of suicides, none of us have died yet.
<Rock>
Wow, that is amazing!  ... Why would an elf commit suicide?
<Smoky.the.Elf>
In both cases they fell in love with a human.  The humans got old and died...
<Rock>
So elves don't get involved with humans.  :-(
<Smoky.the.Elf>
Oh, we do.  We just have to limit our emotional attachment.
<Rock>
anonymous sex?
<Smoky.the.Elf>
yuch!  What do you think I am, human??  I would not stay awake with anyone who was not also a friend.
<Rock>
"stay awake with" -- you mean "sleep with"?
<Smoky.the.Elf>
I mean what I said.  Yes, eventually we sleep, but the emphasis of this conversation is what we do while awake.
<Rock>
Do you have to be so picky with words?
<Smoky.the.Elf>
Yes.  Human languages are very inexact, and I choose not to compound the inexactitude.
<Rock>
<laughing>
<Smoky.the.Elf>
<smile> It is not really funny, though.  If you ever learn Elf, you will know what I mean.
<Rock>
ok.  Hey, another question.  Are there really flying reindeer?
<Smoky.the.Elf>
Yes.  of course.  Just because you have not seen one does not mean they do not exist.
<Rock>
Rudolph, Dancer, Prancer, Blitzen,...?
<Smoky.the.Elf>
Those are some of their names, yes.  And, by the way, Rudolph's nose is not the only part of him that glows.  <smile>
<Rock>
I don't know why, but I have always pictured all of Santa's reindeer as male.
<Smoky.the.Elf>
They are.  Female reindeer do not fly.  No, I do not know why.  Maybe they just choose not to.  And how many chick's do you know who want to stay up all night carrying around a fat man and big bags of assorted goods?
<Rock>
Um, are Santa's reindeer gay, too?
<Smoky.the.Elf>
About half of them are.  They all get along well, the straight and the gay.  Prancer is a prima donna bitch, though, and sometimes she intentionally riles things up.
<Rock>
I thought you said all of them were male?
<Smoky.the.Elf>
I did.  They are.
<Rock>
ok, I get it.
<Smoky.the.Elf>
well, duh
<Rock>
Hey, I'm only human.
<Smoky.the.Elf>
Sorry.  I know -- I am just pulling your, uh, chain.
<Smoky.the.Elf>
Rock, I have to go pretty soon.  But there is one thing I want to tell you.
<Rock>
No problem, man.  I mean elf.  I hope to chat with you again!  What?
<Smoky.the.Elf>
You know there has been a lot of counterfeit NP (North Pole) goods being delivered, right?  We have decided next year that we will be putting custom labels on all genuine NP goods.
<Rock>
Well, until today I didn't know there were real NP goods...
<Smoky.the.Elf>
"clap your hands if you believe in Santa Claus"
<Rock>
[clap!][clap!]  (I thought that was Tinkerbell  :-)
<Smoky.the.Elf>
her too.  I'll e-mail you our first draft of the label.  Post it on this page, ok?
<Rock>
So you are closing with an anachronism as well?  :-)  I like it.
<Smoky.the.Elf>
I knew you would, Rock.  It has been great chatting with you.  Cool music, too, on your chat page.  I really like Grandma Got Ran Over by a Reindeer.
<Rock>
Thanks.  I'll be sure to include your label when I get it.
<Smoky.the.Elf>
Have a great day, Rock!  bye for now
<Rock>
bye, Smoky.  I hope to hear from you soon.  (I guess you'll be keeping your eye on me...)
<Smoky.the.Elf>
:-)  so far, you have been pretty good.  We'll be in touch.



Here is the label Smoky sent:
animated text: Proudly Made // in the North Pole // by Gay Elves

counter hits since 27 December 1997
last modified 23 December 2013